Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Self Indulgent

The hospital yesterday went okay.  I found a different bus company were running so I only had a ten minute walk.  I have become so used to walking just a few yards.  I may make a habit of getting the other buses as I need the exercise.  I really need it.  I am aching from yesterday, but I always seem to suffer walking in hospitals.  It's strange, but true.  I have walked far further without any issues but walking in hospital always seems to drain me.  Mind you, the LGI is a route march.  Looking back, I checked the time when I got to the hospital because I was worrying about finding the right clinic and it was 12.55pm.  I got to the clinic at just past 1.20pm, but I had had to stop and ask directions twice (my appointment was at 1.30pm and I was the first to go in - after 2pm!).  I was hoping to get back in time for bear, even though DH was there for him, as I didn't want him to fret.  Fortunately he is much more assured and relaxed than he was this time last year and I wasn't home much after him.

The hospital visit was because I have been diagnosed with a rodent ulcer.  It is a very slow growing, almost benign spot that will keep going and going until it is cut out and as it is right on the tip of my nose I will need to have a skin graft to cover the space with skin from behind my ear.  I am worried about bear and how it will affect him and how I will organise him getting to and from school and whether he will be teased for having a mother with a dressing on her face.  So much fretting over what is something quite little.

Sarah - thank you so much for your message.  I have been worrying about you, and hope you are taking care of yourself.  It is lovely to hear from you and your lovely message.  I definitely don't feel worthy.  I am falling apart.  There are days when I spend time sobbing for hours.  I am getting increasingly shut in and find the thought of leaving the house for anything other than bear daunting. I'm not agoraphobic in the sense that when I am in an open space I am fine.  It just seems that going out for any other reason than bear is so overwhelming complicated and difficult and not worth the trouble.  The house is a mess, everything is a mess.  It isn't just one thing, and it isn't really my father.  It wasn't unexpected and it hasn't been complicated.  I have just fallen apart.  I keep blogging here and trying to be positive because it is incredibly helpful to find the things that are good and there is a lot of good.  Bear is, as ever, awesome and a source of much positivity.  I worry, though.  I was about his age when I watched my mother have a breakdown and it wasn't good.  I am trying to consciously joke around with him. It is going to be fun learning to sew things together.   However I can feel myself slowly shutting down.  I have started having very bad reactions to antidepressants, so I don't want to go back to those.  I wouldn't be able to look after bear.

After that gloomy and self indulgent waffle, I think I should post this.

Also, what's a foot long and slippery?  A slipper.

Off to find more jokes.


  1. (((HUGS))) Hope all will be OK and you are worried over nothing. Take good care of yourself.

  2. Take care and be kind to yourself. Give your lovely bear a big hug and take heart .x