I am flattened by it. I was up half the night with what I think was a proper panic attack - weight on chest and struggling to breathe. I was so annoyed at it. I was trying to plan ways of keeping focused and calm. As you may gather, I didn't get so far.
At least I got out of the house. I didn't go through the checklist properly, but I managed to tick a few boxes. I'm not showing the list as it's so personalised. One example - 4pm prep [DH's name] dinner. DH finishes work at 5pm and I like to have things laid out for him. There are things like 'leave the house' and 'take vitamins' tucked in with 'empty dehumidifier'. I'm not sure that I like the current layout so much, so I may have to spend some more time thinking about it. I know that there's a risk of spending so much time crafting the perfect list that you never actually get anything done, but I think that it's worth me having another go and a long think about things. I need to have boxes to tick, but I was also wondering about a place to record steps taken and words written. I may just need a separate place for those.
It was frosty last night, and I think Gladys is finally slowing down.
And it's about time as she's spreading out over the public path.
I'll give it another day or two so that any insects get the full benefit of the flowers, then I'll hack her back. Hopefully she'll rebound again, just as vibrant and vigorous.
I really appreciate the kind thoughts and good wishes. They have really helped over the last few days and I'm incredibly grateful. I'll keep looking back and reflecting on them.
Well done for trying. The visual field test bothers me, all of the tiny flashing lights which need a quick response, and I forget to press the button. I forgot to go to the appointment twice, and when I worked myself up to going for the third, I was a week early.
ReplyDeleteI got myself completely bewildered by the field test. Being a week early at least shows that you're willing!
DeleteThank you.
What is it about fate and the universe and all that? After posting about my "thing" with doctors I ended up at A&E yesterday with a nose bleed that didn't want to stop. They did put some cream in and it stopped but then they couldn't really see what the problem was as it was so inflamed and they didn't want to start it off again. So I was sent home with some cream (and a nose clip so I don't have to manually pinch my nose if it happens again). The staff were lovely - as they always are - but I still kept apologising for being there. It's mad really - my daughter is a senior nurse and couldn't be nicer (no bias) and she is always telling me that doctors are just people so I shouldn't be so nervous. Like you, I can sit and rationalise my thoughts and know in my head that it's silly to feel like that but as soon as I am faced with it all logical thinking goes out of the window. I am usually a logical and calm person (except for doctors, and fish - off all things), and have great list-making skills. You reminded me of my O-level revision plan, which I spent many hours drawing up and colour coding but probably should have spent a bit more time actually revising as I failed 4 of the 8 subjects I took. So good luck with trying some counselling - I have had it in the past and it was very beneficial (although not with the medics or fish phobias). Sometimes it's just good to say things out loud and get them out of your head if, like me, you are an overthinker. Remember the L'Oreal slogan - "because you're worth it". Best wishes x
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about the nose bleed! Sending hugs.
DeleteI'm trying to work out how to do the timetable for the best. Bear was awesome (and got the results to show for it). I never bothered with a plan and got okay results myself. I'm trying to be sensible, but that's not my natural state.
I've had bad experiences with counselling in the past. I think it's a good thing in general but I wonder how I'm going to be.
Thank you for all the encouragement - it's very much appreciated.
I'm sure you are not the first or the last person with a strong blinking reflex that the medical staff have seen. I wouldn't fret too much about it. I'm glad that the doctor thinks it is sufficient to keep monitoring things for now.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to check off some of the boxes on your schedule. I agree that you need to have a box to check off how much you wrote and how many steps you took. I think you'll be amazed to see what a lot you get done each day. :)
Gladys still looks quite gorgeous!
Gladys is a wonder! Thank you for the hugs, they really help.
DeleteSevere anxiety can be life altering. It seems it is now controlling your life. Maybe it is time to enlist the help of your family to assist you in getting the help you need. I highly doubt you can heal yourself at this stage. If you cannot bring yourself to going to a specialist by yourself because of fear of driving, or the treatment, then perhaps someone else should be escorting you. My daughter has suffered from severe anxiety in the past and some drugs were required to take the edge off a little so she could manage treatment and function in her daily life.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a mild sedative taken prior to your eye appointment might have been enough to get you through it. Of course, that would have to have been preplanned.
I think that a sedative might be the way to go. I'll have to work out how to approach the GP - they haven't been enthusiastic in the past and I don't blame them.
DeleteHaving someone with me would be an idea, but there isn't really anyone that could do that at the moment. I'm going to continue to think hard about it - I'm not giving up.
Thank you for your encouragement.
Sending you a hug. My husband has been receiving treatment for glaucoma and has had the dreaded eye drops and surgery. If you can have a sedative that may help but you would not be able to drive afterwards. Don't give up though x
ReplyDeleteThank you - all hugs gratefully received. I'm not worried about driving, thank goodness. There is a direct bus from a hundred yards from our house to right outside the hospital so it's an easy run. And thank you for the encouragement. It's really appreciated.
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