Somewhat Depressing

I won't blame anyone for not dipping into this as it's a little depressing and a lot self indulgent. But I thought I'd put down something that's been on my mind this week. 

I'm struggling to walk more than a few yards at the moment. I get muscle spasms in my back. This is not something new, as anyone who's followed will know. I've had all sorts of problems trying to walk around the park in Batley. It's just currently the worst that it's been. But I kept thinking that if I kept trying then I'd be able to go further. I loved walking as a kid and would wander for miles if I had a chance. So I told myself that it was because I was so inactive and I could try getting my energy levels up. 

Last week I thought about walking and a few memories triggered, of me struggling to get places over the years. So I thought back. Perhaps it went back to when I was carrying bear and my legs became incredibly swollen? No, there were issues before that. How about around twenty years ago and I had awful continuous pains in my legs? Eventually they faded without ever working out what had caused that. But there were memories from earlier, when I had struggled on guided walks back in the 1990s. My ability to walk has been eroding over time and I hadn't noticed. Now I'm at a crisis level.

I have two thoughts. The first one is that I need to do things that will strengthen my legs, get me healthier and get me more active. I'm absolutely not putting anything down about that as we all know that as soon as I say that I'm going to do x then x will never happen and I'll head straight to y. This may be limited. The cellulitis that I was struggling with isn't entirely gone, but it's much better and I was struggling with the antibiotics. I can't get to a doctor for them to have a look and make a judgement call and I don't know whether I need more antibiotics or not. 

The second point is that I have to on one level accept that I'm now effectively cut out from anything that needs walking. I can't wander around Kirkstall Abbey to get pictures. I've wanted to visit Lawnswood Cemetary for a while which is now out, and there's a fashion exhibition at Lotherton Hall that I'm likely to never see. It worries me a great deal. I'm struggling with stairs and there are times when I have thought that I may not make it up the stairs from the kitchen. I wish that I knew what to do. We can't move - the landlord has run down the local houses so much that we couldn't sell and get enough to buy elsewhere, especially as DH and I are both heading towards 60. 

There are ways of getting around, but here's an old picture of our front steps. 

I can maybe get a walking stick up and down there, but not much else. 

So I've been thinking instead of posting, and I think that I've got a lot more thinking to do. But perhaps there are more bright sides. After all, this is perhaps one of the bigger wake up calls to get my act together. And I can get grocery deliveries, Amazon and eBay (who is my friend). And the Euros are coming up so I plan to watch football and knit for around a fortnight straight, possibly longer if I commit to Wimbledon. Bear is doing fine and DH has enjoyed cooking this weekend with not only Moroccan beef but also Thai basil chicken (I may have heartburn now but I'd never tell him). And I'm well aware that there are people far worse off than me. 

I'm posting this because sometimes you need to 'say' stuff out loud, but also so you know why my blog is likely to fill up with stuff like me saying - great achievement because I walked to the end of the street! I hope I'll find something more entertaining to add, but I'll see how things go. 

I'm now relaxing to the sound of the rain and I'm finding it incredibly soothing.

Hugs and good health to all.