Wednesdays aren't looking good for me. Monday and Tuesday this week were quite successful in a lot of ways, I got some things done, kept optimistic and generally felt good about myself. Last night it started to go a bit iffy, the stopcock started dripping.
Our house is not standard, and our stopcock is actually over the door into the dining room, so I was quite surprised to be dripped on last night when I was making dinner (actually DH fried the fish, but I did everything else). There were a few drips but nothing serious, and it has stopped. The screw in the middle looks a bit rusty, so it could be an actual leak or it could be condensation. There wasn't that much damp in the air but it is a very cold pipe next to the cooker so I suppose it would be a realistic place for damp or steam to condense. As it isn't currently dripping I am planning to watch carefully and possibly call out a plumber next month just in case.
This morning I got a call from the hospital. They are having a discharge meeting for uncle next Wednesday, and uncle is deemed to have capacity. That means that he can make decisions about where he can go. He has decided he is coming to live with me. I have told him that he can't. Yesterday I spent twenty minutes telling him he couldn't come to live with us because there isn't any room and he couldn't manage the stairs. This morning he told the hospital staff he was definitely coming to live with me. So next Wednesday I am going to have to travel by train to Wrexham (looking at four hours each way) to repeat that he can't come and live with me because space/stairs, leaving bear in out of hours club, hoping DH can get home in time to pick him up, and listen to whichever bad idea uncle is going to come out with before travelling back across the Pennines on the trains at rush hour. I don't expect much change from £100 counting it all in - and that's taking my own sandwiches. If I thought it was of value I would be there without hesitation, but I am convinced that last time he came out he forced a crisis to try and get one of us to live with him to look after him and I believe he is quite capable of doing the same again. He has capacity, he can refuse carers. He is allowed to make stupid decisions.
I keep going over and over in my mind how it could work if he were here, but it just can't. I just can't think of a way we could manage. I've been looking into stair lifts and our layout makes it impossible, there are steep steps into the house, and there is just no room. And while I can complain about it, poor uncle is desperate to be looked after by family, frightened of the future and clinging on to what he knows.
Then when I went downstairs to make a nice cup of tea, the slug proof kettle wasn't working. I didn't feel brilliant about that, but it gave me the excuse to get out, get into town for the new kettle and at least try not to worry.
So sorry to hear about the problems with uncle post-discharge. Surely as you are not able to have him to stay at your home, as it is not suitable & you already have Father & a small child to accommodate, you can convey this to the requisite people (hospital /social services?) by other means without having to attend in person. Surely phone, letter or email would suffice, without all that expense & a time consuming journey. Each of us can only do what we can do, and in this instance you clearly cannot have uncle to live with you. If it was me I would try to let that be known without going in person. all best wishes, Vee x
ReplyDeleteThe staff all know that he can't come here, but when they discuss discharge he keeps telling them that he is going to come and live with me. That's why they want me there when the official discussion is happening, to try and concentrate his mind on what is possible. btw this isn't dementia, it's normal for him. He is also lovely in lots of ways, but stubborn. Thank you for the hugs WS xxx
DeleteI suspect your presence at the discharge planning meeting might well lead uncle to think you'd come to collect him. An 8 hour journey "to concentrate the mind" really isn't a good idea. You're going to be shattered and not able to focus let alone uncle. Why can't one of your siblings who live locally go? I would suggest writing a simple letter to uncle copied to his consultant and ward sister with a request to put it in his notes listing quite clearly why you cannot care for him even though you feel duty bound to do so. With your personal health problems and stress caused by those you do care are quite enough reasons for you not to do anything. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks, all the staff know I'm not taking him on but uncle won't hear it. If the meeting takes place and he insists he is living with me, without me being there to say, 'no, we need to look at alternatives' I don't think they can force him to think of other options. Sadly I don't think either of my brothers can get there, and I doubt they would have much impact about saying 'no'. Thank you for the hugs, they are desperately appreciated. WS xxx
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