Today I had to pop along to pick up some plants for the garden from the local flower shop. I've just checked on Google maps and they had the walk at around 0.1 of a mile, or a few hundred yards. I was also going to call in at the Funeral Home where they were organising a MacMillan coffee morning and were donating to the Methodist Church. The funeral home is literally the same postcode as me, we are a few houses away from each other on the same street. Speaking to the people wasn't a problem. It's very rare that I can't make small talk. It was just getting out the house. I can't explain it. I don't feel bad when I get out. I don't think it's agraphobia. If I'm outside I feel okay. It's just as if there's a huge, complicated wall between the inside and outside of my home. It's become a lot worse now that I don't even take bear the few hundred yards to school.
Today I sat and cried because I was struggling to force myself to go out and walk a few hundred yards to speak to some lovely people. I managed it in the end and had a lovely chat with really, really nice people. Tomorrow I had half a mind to go out and walk in Roundhay Park while the weather's still fit but I can feel a gazillion and one excuses piling up inside me about why it makes sense for me not to leave home. I can try and think things through logically, but I can't fool myself. I have a massive mental block about leaving my home. If it was for bear then there wouldn't be a problem. If it is for me then I can't do it. I feel like I would be crawling out against huge resistance, scraping along on hands and knees. I don't know what to do.
Tomorrow I will post something more cheerful, but today has been tough. There are always smiles around, though, and I found this on the page of Sir Thomas, Knight of the Kind Thoughts Thinking Circle
So sorry you are feeling this way. Is there a professional you can speak with to try and work through things - perhaps your GP or Minister/Priest? Sometimes a professional is more helpful than even a friend as they are more neutral - and it's easier to speak with them.
ReplyDeleteI have gone through similar stages in life - I would have to go out to work but when it came to social occasions it was often very, very difficult. If it's any consolation - eventually it did pass. Take care.
Hugs, I think you do need to visit your doctor as it sounds worrying.
ReplyDeleteim afraid that is what agrophobia is like for some people , theres no rhyme or reason for this irrational fear , it doesnt mean you are "mental" or that you should just "pull yourself together " do think about talking to someone professional about it , while youre at the stage where you still can function most of the time . I had a spell of this years ago
ReplyDeleteSorry that you have this problem. May I suggest you ring your doctors surgery and ask for the number of your Wellbeing service. You can self refer. It takes time and effort to get help but it's worth it. Speaking from experience.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. If I had a choice I'd never leave the house again. I force myself to go. It's not I'm afraid of crowds, and the more I stay in the more I want to stay in and I had just rather be home. Prayers.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry it's been really tough! I don't mind going out by myself for a walk or such but I find myself not wanting to go out and engage with people. I tend to worry too much I think. I sometimes wonder if they'll find me boring or my accent weird. I find it easier to be by myself. I'm not good at small talk and find it really strange to talk to people I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI wish I was close enough to give you a hug. Be gentle to yourself!
I'm sorry you had such a hard time leaving the house. There are days when I don't feel like leaving the house, myself, but I think what you are experiencing is something bigger. I hope you'll be able to leave the house again, without the associated reluctance to do so. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, I think it might be helpful to seek some support for yourself about this. You've had a really tough couple of years, perhaps longer, and sometimes those hard times leak through and affect all the little things we once took for granted. You've never mentioned having friends near you who go out with you or come to your home for cake and coffee. I'm wondering what would have to happen to support you in enabling such friendships which could in turn support you when leaving the house is difficult. Doing things by yourself for yourself is incredibly difficult and when you add in an ethos of "I'm not important enough for this to happen easily" it can be twice or three times as difficult. When finding things difficult begins to affect your life in a negative way, then is the time to seek help outside of your family. It may feel incredibly hard to do this but it will feel much better once it does and you have positive support strategies in place for the future. Hugs.
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