Thursday 14 December 2017

Another Day, Another Fail

Jake's a Girl - massive hugs. 

Bear was complaining bitterly about being forced to walk miles (around a few hundred yards) on really slippery roads (they were fine) in the pouring rain (it was dry) to go the Carol Concert at the local CofE church.  When he got home he was out playing football in the freezing rain.  I am getting very good at a 'nod and smile'.

I've been thinking about the whole issue about getting out of the house.  I realise that I've been basically assuming that the only thing I can do is pull myself together.  I would never encourage anyone else to take this attitude, but I can't imagine another way of doing it for me.

Back in the early eighties I escaped from my mother and went to university.  I never graduated.  I had a breakdown and lost all my short term memory.  I could remember who I was and where I lived, but I couldn't remember anything from one moment to another.  I have very fuzzy memories of the time but I remember being lost in Preston bus station.  At the time it was the biggest bus station in Europe and one of the few things I can remember is knowing that I could keep walking around because I'd never remember whether I had been somewhere or not and the helpless feeling that went with it.  Looking back it's one of my most vivid memories.  Yet I have no idea why I was in Preston.

I couldn't go home.  My mother was a big part of the problem.  I didn't have anyone to advocate for me at the university.  I didn't know what choices were possible.  I spent some time in the University Health Centre (again, I'm a little hazy on the details) but the stalker I picked up made it impossible to stay there.  I wasn't offered any medical treatments and I was unable to make it to the counselling that was arranged because it was too complicated for me.  So I got a part time job in a supermarket and sort of got on with things. 

Antidepressants have helped me in the past but the anxiety I'm suffering from at the moment makes it impossible for me to swallow tablets.  I don't want to discourage anyone else from trying counselling but it didn't work for me.  I'm very good at saying the right things and then utterly failing to manage.  My main support network is on here.  At the moment I can keep bear clean and warm and fed (and I fight his corner for school and all the extras) and DH always has dinner and a clean shirt, but I am getting able to do less and less. 

So today I'm making a conscious decision.  Today is the day I start to pull myself together.  I am really not recommending anyone trying it, and to be honest, I'm not sure where to start, but I'm starting.

Step One - post something positive on here every day. 
Step Two - I'm working on step two, but I'll share when I know. 

Today's positive - the kitchen, dining room and walk in cupboard look like they are in the middle of an explosion but while I've been clearing I've found enough old towels to mop up the defrosting freezer - new freezer tomorrow!!!


  1. Hello, I have never commented on your blog before but I do read it with interest and love your humour when you talk of Bear and all his adventures and happenings. I think you are very brave to share your experiences and I wish you nothing but success with your plans, I am really rooting for you, I would just say there is nothing wrong in asking for help and support, so that you don't have to do it all on your own. Bless Sue H xxx

  2. As the say courage is not the absence of fear but doing something in spite of it. You can but try and know that others wish you well.


  3. Well done! I have a friend with social anxiety and I know it takes courage to take these first steps.

  4. Hi Sybil - it sounds like you have had a rough time over the years and no doubt this is adding to your anxiety now as things have not resolved. I hope you can pull yourself out of this it would be a shame to let anything from the past hold you back now. Some times a fresh start at something does help and I sincerely hope you find a way.
    Enjoy the new freezer.

  5. Sending hugs your way, Lyssa. I sometimes think you're a little hard on yourself but it's good that you're making a change. I'm not close enough for a chat but if you ever need to email to even just sound off let me know and I'd be willing to listen. Take care of yourself! I hope your husband is a support to you.

  6. Hi I am so sorry you are feeling so bad.
    I have never had these sort of problems so I don't know what to say to you.
    But I think you should only try to do little things at first don't" bite off more than you can chew" (housework).
    Maybe a different counnseller or method might help ?
    Lookafter your son and your companion and most of all yourself.
    Keep safe

  7. Massive hugs back! Not sure if you know but some antidepressants are in liquid form. You could check into that if you ever feel the need. Aren't we always better at helping others than we are ourselves? I've did the counseling route and I couldn't tell you much of what went on so I'm guessing it helped but where?? Who knows. I could have said the same things to my sisters and been a lot less poor in pocket. I was lucky in that I have the two best sisters in the world. We all suffered from having an alcoholic Mother for most of our childhood and early adult lives. Without our Dad it could have been a lot worse. And I can only imagine how he suffered as well. Sounds as if you have a game plan and baby steps are always a good start to solving any of life's problems. We can do only what we feel comfortable with and at a pace that keeps the panic at bay. I learned that a long time ago. Prayers you find your baby steps easier than you ever imagined!

  8. Totally get you. Your past life sounds like mine. You go girl, but remember, it's baby steps we take and each baby step builds. I'm still on step 1 . Xx

  9. I have followed your blog for a number of years now, but never commented before. I suffer from extreme anxiety and know exactly how you feel. If your main support network is this blog, then know that there is someone here following you by your side everyday even though I have nothing really interesting to say.

    I like your positive thought for today and look forward to step 2 when it arrives (no pressure) xxxxxxx

  10. Well done on taking a positive step today. Xx

  11. (((HUGS))) Hope each new day is a little better. Take care of yourself.