Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Self Indulgent

The hospital yesterday went okay.  I found a different bus company were running so I only had a ten minute walk.  I have become so used to walking just a few yards.  I may make a habit of getting the other buses as I need the exercise.  I really need it.  I am aching from yesterday, but I always seem to suffer walking in hospitals.  It's strange, but true.  I have walked far further without any issues but walking in hospital always seems to drain me.  Mind you, the LGI is a route march.  Looking back, I checked the time when I got to the hospital because I was worrying about finding the right clinic and it was 12.55pm.  I got to the clinic at just past 1.20pm, but I had had to stop and ask directions twice (my appointment was at 1.30pm and I was the first to go in - after 2pm!).  I was hoping to get back in time for bear, even though DH was there for him, as I didn't want him to fret.  Fortunately he is much more assured and relaxed than he was this time last year and I wasn't home much after him.

The hospital visit was because I have been diagnosed with a rodent ulcer.  It is a very slow growing, almost benign spot that will keep going and going until it is cut out and as it is right on the tip of my nose I will need to have a skin graft to cover the space with skin from behind my ear.  I am worried about bear and how it will affect him and how I will organise him getting to and from school and whether he will be teased for having a mother with a dressing on her face.  So much fretting over what is something quite little.

Sarah - thank you so much for your message.  I have been worrying about you, and hope you are taking care of yourself.  It is lovely to hear from you and your lovely message.  I definitely don't feel worthy.  I am falling apart.  There are days when I spend time sobbing for hours.  I am getting increasingly shut in and find the thought of leaving the house for anything other than bear daunting. I'm not agoraphobic in the sense that when I am in an open space I am fine.  It just seems that going out for any other reason than bear is so overwhelming complicated and difficult and not worth the trouble.  The house is a mess, everything is a mess.  It isn't just one thing, and it isn't really my father.  It wasn't unexpected and it hasn't been complicated.  I have just fallen apart.  I keep blogging here and trying to be positive because it is incredibly helpful to find the things that are good and there is a lot of good.  Bear is, as ever, awesome and a source of much positivity.  I worry, though.  I was about his age when I watched my mother have a breakdown and it wasn't good.  I am trying to consciously joke around with him. It is going to be fun learning to sew things together.   However I can feel myself slowly shutting down.  I have started having very bad reactions to antidepressants, so I don't want to go back to those.  I wouldn't be able to look after bear.

After that gloomy and self indulgent waffle, I think I should post this.


Also, what's a foot long and slippery?  A slipper.

Off to find more jokes.

2 comments:

  1. (((HUGS))) Hope all will be OK and you are worried over nothing. Take good care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Take care and be kind to yourself. Give your lovely bear a big hug and take heart .x

    ReplyDelete